So, last night I found myself scouring the Internet for funny and original Facebook and Twitter updates about drinking, general debauchery, and sex.
99% of them are pathetic attempts at humor, but there are some jewels. I’ve included only the ones that made me laugh.
Add more if you got’em…
- The doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said no. We laughed.
- After intensive research I have determined that there is no type of juice that a double shot of vodka couldn’t improve.
- My liver just reached into my wallet and tore up my organ donor card.
- What’s the 2nd part of the rhyme that starts, “Vicodin before scotch…”?
- Lego people hands make them look like they’re always ready to drink up or jerk off.
- I just invented a new drink with root beer, 6 oz of Gin and Bailey’s. It’s called, “Time for the Liquor Store.”
- I know it’s the holidays when I find myself putting crushed up Xanax around the rim of my margarita glass instead of salt.
- The only thing I plan to accomplish after work today is to turn gin and tonic into piss and vomit.
- Thinks that time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
- Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
- I don’t know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse… this can not be good.
- See you all at my intervention.
- A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be sitting next to you saying, “Damn, that was awesome!”
- I always want to be friends with the people that need shopping carts at the liquor store. I bet those people are fun.
- Leaving water next to a plant then letting it die shows the other plants in the house that I’m not about to put up with their shit.
- I hope I don’t black out because this is awesome!